mixed feelings.

My penultimate working week of my internship has passed with mixed feelings. I hated the first 2 days, didn't mind the next 2 and would have preferred to have done without the last. The first 2 days I hated because I had to do my most dreaded thing, contacting another 70 branches. The next 2 were filled with spontaneous meetings and also some people finally took over my job of contacting the branches. Today was just.....nothing. I basically had nothing to do today but I had fun chatting with the Malay ladies sitting around me.

The weekend will be full of me packing and buying stuff for when I go to the UK. It will also be full of me trying to do everything I want to do before I go to the UK. I'm sure I will miss home when I get there. Sigh.

Next week will be the last week of my internship and also a week of farewells. The trio of farewells will start on Monday when my colleagues will do a small farewell lunch for me and also a welcome lunch for a new colleague. Then skip to Friday and it will be the farewell with all my friends from Seafield. The final one will be with my college classmates.

Mixed feelings this week. Mixed feelings for next week. I don't know how to feel already. I'm excited but scared. Anticipating but fearing. Wanting but not wanting at the same time. It doesn't make sense.

Signing off,
YiJiun

Calling

I have been more unhappy than usual on Thursday and Friday at work. Just because I had to call up a number of people to remind them about something. And it continues on Monday because I couldn't reach quite a few of them.

I have no idea when my fear of calling strangers started but yes, I have an irrational fear of doing so. Wait, now that I think of it, it isn't fear but really a dislike towards calling strangers on the phone. It is totally irrational. Even after I called about 20 people, I still didn't like doing it, nor was I used to it. I kept trying to put it off even though I had no choice but to do it. I'm weird. Or maybe I'm just antisocial.

On Tuesday, my department had a potluck buffet lunch at the pantry. There was a new guy who came in just a few days before and we only met once before. He sat down next to me and (tried to) talked to me. Now, I'm not the most talkative person on normal days. On that day, I was worse. I gave really short answers, didn't even try to keep the conversation going. I basically gave him the cold shoulder. Although, I did try to smile as much as I could. But honestly, I don't think he's going to try to talk to me again.

Sometimes, I wish could be more outgoing and talkative. That would make meeting people and making friends less hard. I'm just a total failure at socializing. Seriously.

Don't Look Back In Anger

Ever since I started my internship, I have been going to work with my brother. He will drive to the LRT station and we will take the LRT. Every morning, we go through the same thing. Jam. Bad drivers. The normal stuff you see in Malaysia. My brother drives every time because he cannot imagine me handling his precious car although I have driven his car many times.

Now, you would think that having to drive the same route for a couple of years, he would be used to the weirdo/crazy/reckless drivers on the road. But clearly, he isn't. Every single morning on a working day, if something happens, like a car just zipping into our lane, out comes a barrage of curses on how lousy and inconsiderate that driver is. Please understand that my brother isn't the most careful of drivers and he can be a hypocrite sometimes. So I don't really understand why he gets so worked up when he does the same thing too. That isn't my point though. I don't get why he would get so angry over such things. He can't change things. It's not like he can just flag down that driver and give a lesson on "Driving 101" (not that he's the perfect person to be giving that talk).

Getting angry is not something I'm used to being nowadays. I have no idea how or when this change happened to me but it's now hard to get me angry about things. It's like one day I woke up and decided, "Hey, it ain't worth shit getting angry over everything." Believe it or not, I was once very short tempered. I blew up at the smallest things. But I'm different now. I actually find it hard to get angry and even when I do, it lasts like 2 minutes and then I'm perfectly okay.

It seems like my level of tolerance has went up like a million percent. In any case, I feel better. There's no more of that bitterness that comes out of being angry. I can live my life with less unnecessary stress. Where I got this optimistic outlook, I have no idea but if it makes life easier for me, why not? Cheers.

My favourite Oasis song of all time.

High Like Shit In The Sky

I am bored and have nothing to do now. That's why I'm writing this post. Because I'm bored.

I don't like working but it seems like it's taking up a lot of my time which would usually be used to aimlessly surf the Internet or just keep refreshing the Facebook homepage (like now). It is also keeping me from watching The Walking Dead too fast. Otherwise, I'll be left with nothing to watch again. I guess that's good.

Oh. Right. My A Levels results came out on Tuesday. Had to ask my friend to check it for me because I did not have internet connection at the office. I have to say, I got what I wanted. My Econs didn't end up as a B. Which is good considering how much I thought was crap ended up on my exam script. Guess it wasn't all crap after all. Maths and Accounts were basically in the bag from the start. Further Maths was a genuine surprise. I didn't think that I'd score as good as I did. I was honestly happy with it. Then I had to spoil it by finding out that 28% of the candidates got an A* for it. But still, it's good enough for me.

Now that my place at the University of Warwick is confirmed, I'm so psyched to go. I wish I could skip straight to September and fly off to the UK. But they say, be careful what you wish for. When I get there, I could probably get homesick. As it is, whenever I go off for a trip overseas to countries in Europe, I tend to start missing Malaysia after a couple of days. Mainly because of the food(lol). So I have no idea how long I'll last in Warwick till I start to be homesick.

I'm hating and loving tomorrow at the same time. Hate because it's the start of another 5 day work week. Love because I get to see Linkin Park live for the first time in my life. By the way, this is the first concert I actually bought tickets to see in my whole life. And my first rock one. I cannot wait. After how much I enjoyed World Stage back in 2010, I hope that tomorrow's concert will be just as good, if not better. Maybe someday I'll be the one on the stage. Haha. But until then, I'll content myself with watching other people do it.

So much to look forward to. A new chapter's going to begin in a month's time. I cannot wait but I will wait patiently and try my best to treasure my moments here at home. So excited. Haha.

Psyched,

YiJiun

On The Road Called Life

The 1st of August marked a new beginning. I started my internship. I was actually quite excited to start. Then the first day was a bit of a letdown because I had practically nothing to do. The following days were slightly better because at least I had stuff to finish. I had a sense of purpose. At least while I was doing the work. When I finish up and think back, I wonder, "Why am I doing this?"

I could be doing nothing at home. No pressure. No deadlines. No responsibility. Now I sound like a spoilt kid. Haha. I had wanted to make use of my so-called "abundance" of free time. Now I regret it. But this is good experience. At least now I know that I'm not really cut out for this type of work. Yeah, I get stuff done on time, usually before it's needed (my supervisor is complaining that I do things too fast and she's running of assignments for me) but I don't get any satisfaction out of it. I'm working like a robot. Doing whatever I'm told to do. Maybe things will get better when I get into managing my big project. I don't know. Let's just see.

Going for this internship ain't cheap though. Everyday I have to either take the LRT or the KTM and it costs about RM3 per trip. Add my lunch and it comes up to about 12 bucks per day. But I have the luxury of working in a month with quite a few public holidays. Like the 4 day Raya break. So it's not that bad. It feels like I'm still underpaid though. My job description actually calls for a university graduate but here I am, a fresh-faced A-Levels student doing it. In any case, I never did this for the money. I don't think about money when I'm working. Benefits of birth?

Sometimes it feels like I'm taking advantage of my parents. I use so much of their money to live my life. The next 3 years will the real kicker. And I'm not even sure I'm going to use that piece of paper I'll get at the end. The small taste of working in a box has me doubting whether I really want to live my life out in a cubicle for the rest of my life.

I won't resign. Not when I haven't even gotten to the main part of the job. I'm not a quitter by nature. I may complain. I may whine. But I don't quit just because the going gets tough. Guess I'm saying all this just to toughen myself up. It's not going to be an easy month. But, hell, I asked for this. I'll do whatever it takes. All in the name of living. God gave me this life, I ain't going down.

Signing off,
YiJiun

Need someone like the Leona in this song right now.

A Cancerian Through And Through

Sometimes I feel so alone. Like I have no one to talk to whenever I need to. Then, I look around me and realise that there are actually people who care but I just can't bring myself to talk to them. I'm so scared of being a nuisance and bothering them.

Now I understand why so many are trying to find that one special person. The one who I can just talk to no matter what time it is. The one who is always there for me. The one who I can rely on. The one who I can live with without a mask.

I get so soppy and think of all these stuff when I feel alone in my bed at night. Now I sound like a little girl asking for a fairytale to happen. But I guess everyone wants something like this at some point of their life. And now I'm going through it.

People ask me. Nobody in college that attracts you? Honestly, no. Not in that special way. Yeah, pretty girls  everywhere but no "heart skipping a beat" and stuff.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have that person in my life.

It's so hard to get myself to fully open myself up to other people. Even to those closest to me. I don't know why I always have to keep a part of me hidden away. It's like I have to keep a wall between myself and everybody else. If one day, somebody manages to break down that wall and come in, then that somebody is special.

Until then, I'll just wallow in self-pity and loneliness.

But understand this, when I smile, I do it for real. When I laugh, I laugh for real. Life's too short not to enjoy the small things that pop up. There are times for sadness and times for happiness. Let the sadness stay in the corner and come out only when I'm alone. When I'm out with people, why not have fun? At least I won't have worries as long as the fun lasts.

Signing off,
Cancerian

First Impressions

People see the house I live in and they immediately think that I'm a rich kid who can get anything I want if I ask.

People look at me and immediately think I'm a nerd who just studies 24/7.

Nobody looks at me and thinks that I can sing.

Nobody looks at me and thinks that I can drink.

Nobody looks at me and thinks that I can play the piano and, to some extent, the guitar.

And there are worse first impressions that I've managed to shake off in recent years. But still it frustrates me when people judge me based on what they see on the outside.

When you get to know me, you'll find out that I'm more than just how I look.

Signing off,

YiJiun

Short One

Well, I've been listening back to the recording and I honestly think it's crap. I guess it won't be going up on Youtube any time soon. I'll be rerecording it and I'll make it better.

To be honest, I've been feeling a little down lately. Like I can't do anything right. But then, life isn't going to be smooth sailing all the way, especially at this stage. I guess I just got to work harder and always remember why I'm doing what I do.

Signing off,
YiJiun

Dreaming

Hey. Finally finalised the Singapore trip with classmates. Met up at Sunway Pyramid, so I dropped by Guitar Collection to buy a capo. I guess I'll be working with my dad this hols, since I'm just too lazy to do anything. I dropped a few emails to a couple of companies but no response still.

Anyway, my demo recording has been delayed a bit because of a sore throat. Although I've recovered but my voice still sounds a bit gravelly. In any case, I'll be uploading the audio for my song to Youtube within the next few days, so look out for it. But there's a bit of a problem. For some reason, when I use Movie Maker, there's no sound for the video. Weird. I'll try to sort out the problem and upload the audio. It will include super awesome artwork made by my friend. So excited.

Oh, and I had a super cool dream last night. I only remember some parts but it was so awesome. I dreamt that I was on this adventure thingy with Aragorn and Faramir (don't ask, I'm baffled too). I had this sword and magic powers (LOL!). So, we were like going through this tunnel place where only one person could pass at a time, so we were walking in a single file. Then suddenly, something happened, boom boom boom, then Aragorn was gone and Faramir was leading. Fast forward to no idea when, Faramir, some weird seer lady and me were at a table eating. Then the lady got a vision and then Saruman somehow took control of her and I had to stop it using some hocus-pocus, then I woke up. Super childish dream, but it was awesome while it lasted. Haha. At least it's better than the dreams I use to have with the Xenomorph or T-Rex chasing me. I wonder why my dreams are so childish? But they're awesome and they don't need to make sense.

My holidays have been basically a waste so far. Hopefully it'll become more productive as time goes on. Till next time. Bye. ;)

Done

I can't believe that it's finally over. It feels so good now that the prolonged suffering has ended. Now that A Levels has finally ended for me. I now have about 3 months (give or take a few weeks) of free time. So, I decided that this break will be used as a chance for me to do things that I've always wanted to do and also to do up some things that I need to before going off to the UK.

I've planned out a few things and I think I might be trying to bite off more than I can chew but who knows till I try? Anyway, I already have quite a number of things that I need to finish off this week itself, like:

1. Write a resume.
2. Apply for internships.
3. Research on banks and phone network providers in the UK. (Forced on unexpectedly by Mum.)
4. Take my 1119 cert from school.
5. Finalise class trip.
6. Get ready for PROM!!
7. Record the second track for my demo (if possible).

Sounds like a bit. And that's not all. That's just for this week. Here's my to-do list for the rest of month:

1. Finish demo.
2. Compile every single song I've ever written into a book and make a soft copy of every song.
3. Volunteer at a dog shelter? (maybe)
4. TB test for UK visa.
5. Renew passport.
6. Change IC.
7. Finish watching Game of Thrones and the first season of The Walking Dead.

And here's the rest:

1. Internship/Temporary job.
2. Learn to play barre chords on the guitar.

That's quite a number of things. Hopefully I can finish everything. Cheers to no studying for 3 months.

Signing off,

Freeeeeeeeeeeee

P.S. I want a capo for my guitar. Birthday is at the end of this month. *notsosubtlehint* *wink wink*

I'm Still Alive

Good morning, people. At least, it's morning when I'm typing this, not necessarily morning when you read this. In that case, good day, people. I really should be studying considering that I have an exam in less than 24 hours but laziness strikes again.

Well, the thing about the exams this time is that I'm thinking a lot about my preferred career path (just to avoid thinking of exams) and I've started on a couple of personal projects that could possibly help me achieve it. In addition, I've taken to trying to produce full tracks using rather unconventional methods, although I've only just started, I just realised that suddenly independently producing a whole album on my own is actually remotely possible.

Previously, I thought that it was impossible because I didn't have the equipment, I didn't know how to play a variety of instruments required to make a full track, I didn't have money to record it, etc. Recently, I realised that it was all excuses I made for myself because I found a rather unconventional but effective way to record songs. AND IT WON'T COST ME A SINGLE CENT! That's the best part. I always thought that I would need some serious moolah to go into the studio and record stuff. And even then I'd need a sound engineer to help me put the tracks together. Now, with help of Mr Google, free software off the net, a camera and my lousy old laptop, I can actually put together a whole song.

This will take quite some time. Probably coming out to a couple of months. But it's all worth it. I haven't given up on dreams yet. There's still hope y'all. Hope anybody who reads this doesn't give on their dreams too. :)

Motivated,
YiJiun

P.S. Lately I've been thinking of maybe adopting an English name and the name Hadrian keeps popping into my mind. No idea why but it attracts me for some reason. But, in any case, I still find it weird if people called me by another name other than my birth name. So, I will most probably just stick to my own name. Maybe I'll use it as a stage name. Haha.

Reality?

Have been thinking alot about my future and honestly, I'm extremely scared but excited. Future as in everything after A2.

I'm actually very excited about going off to the UK to study even though I might not like what I'm studying. Still, the prospect of just flying off and living on my own in a foreign place is thrilling but scary at the same time. Of course, that's provided I can achieve the grades I need. Not that it's a huge problem but the standard I set for myself is way above the level I need to achieve. Sometimes I wish that I don't set such high expectations of myself because I just give myself more stress. Then again, stress is good for building character, right?

My future also includes my future after university and that's the worst part because I have no idea what career I want to pursue (excluding, you know, that thing). Well, ideally, I would be signed to a record label but that is just as remote as me becoming a millionaire tomorrow. But, still, I have been doing some research on that and every single piece of advice is to have a demo to distribute to labels or random people involved in the industry. Sounds easy enough but recording a demo requires some moolah and I don't have much of that (my parents' money isn't mine, FYI). Well, I've been thinking of alternative way to do it and I might have come up with one although I haven't tested it yet. Well, that'll be my first personal project during the holidays after A2 exams.

Still wondering whether or not to perform during prom. Auditions are next Monday and I do not have much time left to make a decision. The thing is, if I want to perform, it'd be best if somebody could accompany me on guitar but I don't really want to distract people from their studies. What a dilemma. I guess I could play the guitar myself but I suck at it and I am not at my best singing while playing the guitar.

This couple of months will be one heck of a ride. Mostly because I got to persevere and make myself study for A2. I honestly just lost all motivation to study after trials. The holiday was such a momentum-bummer.

Back to the books? Bye for now. :)

what????

It's April Fool's Day and I am not happy. I'm serious. So depressed. All because I was unable to do a Further Maths paper. I can seriously go die. A2 in less than two months. Just kill me please.

:)

Cousin got an offer from LSE :D

Happy for her but still quite jealous, hahaha. Oh well, she has always been better than me in more ways than one and she deserves it. I actually heard that her dad doesn't want her to go to LSE (lol?) because it doesn't have a proper campus. Well, my parents will definitely NOT do that if I was the one who got the offer.

Well, that reminds me. When I told my mum the news, she started going on about how my cousin is so good. Then I started to get bitter because all this while, my mum has always been using my cousin to pressure me to work harder and stuff, blah blah blah. Then, as I thought more about it, I actually realised that the idea of me getting into LSE wasn't actually mine, but my mum's. I didn't realise it, but I was actually working towards my mum's dreams for me and not mine. I was just attracted to the idea of living in London and not the university. No wonder I didn't feel much when I received news of the rejection. Guess it's time for me to stop living my parents dreams huh?

I'm currently trying to decide on which university to put as my firm choice on UCAS. Bath or Warwick? Honestly, I'm leaning more towards Bath but my dad clearly wants me to go to Warwick. But the thing is that the requirements for both universities are so similar that I'm scared if I choose both as my and insurance choice, I might end up not qualifying for both. Well, hopefully that will not happen but who knows?

2 papers down the road in trials and I didn't think that I did as well as I would've liked in both papers. Just means that I have more work to do. I'm looking forward to the 3 month break after A Levels. But I don't want to let go of college life so fast either. Time just flies way too fast. Sigh.

back to the books,
yijiun

Failure again? *smile*

Heyyo!!! Just realised that I haven't updated my blog in a long time. And also, my application just got rejected by the famous LSE.

To be honest, I wasn't that affected by the result because I expected it. I mean, it would be awesome to be accepted into LSE but LSE is the best and I have never been lucky with the best stuff. And another I realised, I always fall short whenever I really want something. So depressing isn't it?

The news just got me thinking back on why I had wanted to get into LSE in the first place. The reason is basically that I wanted my backup plan to be the best ever. The second reason is basically because I wanted to live in London. I've been to London and I thought it was a great place. It's easy to get around, Broadway, etc.  But, well, it wasn't meant to be but I still have the second best choice. :)

Well, I still cannot see a future with me being an accountant. That is why I have never definitely told my parents or anybody else that I will become one. Hopefully in the UK I'll get the chance to chase my dreams and maybe even make it come true. Hopefully.

Anyway, now I'm focusing alot on my studies. I'm studying harder than I have ever studied in the past. I think it's because there's so little preparation time. Trials are in a few weeks time and finals are in May. I need to do my best to make sure my place in Warwick doesn't fly away like my chance to study at LSE.

I've been focusing so much on my studies that I haven't done the video that I wanted to do. I did say in the description of my previous video that I will put up a video. But I just couldn't find the time to do it. Studies have taken over so much of life that I don't even have time for music. I haven't written a full song in the past few months, it's been months since I touched my guitar and even longer since I played the piano.

I guess I just gotta soldier on until A2 is over. Then I'll get a well deserved break. Till next time. Bye.

Signing off,
YiJiun